aha moments

Becoming a mother made me have a few of these weekly but the other night I really had a big aha moment.

My daughter had a slight cold about a week ago. Wasn't anything big or out of the ordinary. Then it became really hot here and our apartment was just super waaaaarm. Especially her bedroom.

We have dinner, she seems fine, off to bed. I was woken up by her feet ramming into my back a few times but what else is new. Then at around 3am she was flopping around and I go to touch her and my heart stopped. SHE WAS SO HOT. As if she was actually burning. I have never felt anything like it.
I was instantly WIDE AWAKE with my heart pounding and took her into the other bedroom where the fan is in. This wakes up my husband and Son, who obviously thought it was morning and started yelling and jumping around (insert huge sigh). I got the thermometer and checked her temperature and she had a temp of 42.6. WTF. I got two other thermometers and they both said 41 something.
You guys. I was so full of anxiety, I started sweating profusely and was not able to think straight. I got ibuprofen, somehow rattled her awake enough to make her drink it, got wet cloths and wrapped her calves, opened all the windows, and put the fan straight on her.

Now, lots of kids get real hot. Yet, she has never had a temperature above 39 and I have NEVER felt someone THAT hot. So, naturally all my fears crept up into my brain... meanwhile my son was still yelling 'ham ham' meaning he wanted breakfast lol

He wouldn't be calmed by my husband, so I took him out of the room and gave him a banana and rocked him back to sleep, the whole time super worried about my daughter. I finally managed to get him back to sleep and was able to lay next to him and finally fall asleep again myself.

This was the first time I was able to let go of control. 

The way the anxiety felt in my body- was as if there were hands that squeezed my throat all the way down to my pelvis. Super tight. I took really deep breathes while rocking my son and the anxiety went away.

Before this incident, I wouldn't have been able to leave my daughter in the hands of my husband (I rationally know he is fully capable of managing any situation) but it is my anxiety that won't allow any help, if I let go of the anxiety, what will happen?

Nothing. It was fine, it was better than fine, my husband took care of her and it was fine. fine? fine. fine. fine. fine. yep. fine!!!

My aha moment was, that in moments of anxiety I need to let it go, accept the help and surrender.
Pretty easy right, what took me so long to get this!?

Happy Saturday everyone!

The last two weeks have been tiring.

We went to an easter festival at the animal park where my parents live. My son slipped off a bench and hit his head on a curb, blood everywhere, I went a little overboard with hysterics. Luckily my husband was there and told me to take a deep breath and to step away haha. It helped, it calmed me down. It was a 'normal' bloody wound that needed to be glued together, which my almost 2 year old son clearly did NOT like. Poor little guy was screaming his heart out while we had to hold him down. Traumatised all of us.

We then had his normal 2 year old check up and as soon as he realised we were at a doctors office he wanted out immediately. It was a bit of a struggle. The very next day I found a tick on his head, had to go back to the doctors office yet again (!) to get it removed and tested for lyme disease. It was positive. The doc seemed pretty relaxed about it and said to watch the bite and see if there is a red halo around it, maybe check for blood in 6 weeks time to see if he is infected. We are still waiting on that.

A couple days earlier my husband left for a job and I was home alone with both kids. My daughter doesn't like any big changes in routine and finds it challenging to be vocal about it, so instead its a lot of pushing, hitting, screaming, hysterical laughing sort of situation. My son missed his dad a lot a lot a lot. After a week of bedtime mayhem my mom came to the rescue. Hallelujah!

Asking for help BEFORE shit hits the fan is my moral of the story. I often wait just a little too long, saying 'I got this, I got this'. But really, no need to push if there are people that can help, right?

By now my husband is back, kids are more settled and I am in d e s p e r a t e need of some R&R. Weekend- HERE I COME.

Triggers

Having children really made me look at my own behaviour and how I deal with certain situations. I have been working hard at looking at my triggers and examining them in a non judgemental way but rather with curiosity. Noticing them was a big first step for me. 

Why does it bother me SO so much when my kids yell-talk all the time? Why, in certain situations, can't I just accept that my child has a different view or opinion than me? When I am under time pressure, why do I get frantic and have no mental capacity for things like 'I DONT WANT THESE SOCKS, I want THOSE socks' even though to my eyes, they are the exact same (!!!).

Looking back at these situations, I realise that it is always, my own emotional struggles that make me snap, grunt, roll my eyes at my children. It is something within me that gets triggered by their behaviour. Why? What happened to me that I am bothered by this? Why do I want them to act or be a certain way, is it because I want that or is it because I am just blindly following what was pushed onto me by others as a kid? 

I am learning to let go and be a little gentler with myself and my own tantrums, since I realise that is what I want to show my children too, its okay to feel overwhelmed, its ok to be angry or annoyed. It is even better to explain and talk about my feelings with them.

I am getting better with taking them the way they are, their own thoughts and feelings and often different views. I listen less to my fear. And, that is wonderful. But.. just sometimes, wouldn't it be nice for them to just SLEEP when I want to sleep, like.. PAST 5am?!? Who's with me?
Happy Saturday my friends.